Problems are not the problem; coping is the problem. Virginia Satir
My post on coping with cancer anger
opened up a wonderful discussion about constructively expressing our anger. Thank you to the many readers who shared their thoughts, comments and emails. You really made me think and you’ve inspired me to take the conversation one step further in today’s Survivor’s Nest post.
As much as expressing our cancer anger constructively is important, I don’t think it’s always the entire answer to making ourselves feel better. I’m sure we’ve all been in the situation of trying to express our anger, only to get back a blank or completely disinterested look on the other person’s face. Or worse, you are subjected to an argument over whether you have a right to your anger in the first place. My point is that we can’t expect that expressing our anger is always going to make us feel better. Although we should still say our piece, sometimes, no matter how much we vent, no one is listening.
So what else can we do to cope? l always return to my “soft place to land” theory. It’s a tough world out there, especially for the cancer survivor. Your home should envelope and calm you after a hard day at the office, be it your own or your oncologist’s. Here are five tips to make that a reality in your own home:
1. Family and/or really good friends: Nothing beats a shoulder to cry on or a nod that says, “I get it and, yes, that guy is a real jerk.” Empathy, sincerely given, is one of the greatest gifts of love. I can’t tell you how much I needed it during my worst days and still do. If your home is dysfunctional and not a loving and supportive place, ask yourself what you need to do about it. Peace in your home is pivotal to your good mental and emotional health.
3. Pump up the creature comforts
: Soothe yourself with the comforts of home. Having a hot cup of tea
warms your insides and reduces tension. Spend some down time in a comfortable bed
, curled up with a book or watching a favorite holiday movie
. The key is to distract yourself from the irritations of the day by luxuriating in your nest.
4. Build in quiet time:
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten into arguments that I didn’t even know how I got into them. When you (or your loved ones) are irritable, it’s not easy to talk calmly about even ordinary things. If you’re feeling cancer anger, take a “time out.” One of the comments to Tuesday’s post was from Erika, who makes “a conscience effort to leave a room to collect myself and come back to talk with a clear head”
when she is experiencing cancer anger. Erika is smart to find a quiet spot to take a few minutes to consciously collect herself.
5. Have fun: The bananas sitting on our kitchen counter for several days were beginning to show their age. My husband mentioned banana bread more than once, and I nodded, but I doubted I had the time. Yesterday, I made myself take a work break and I was so glad I did. In addition to not feeling guilty about throwing away food, I enjoy baking and the smell was incredible. It was a small diversion from my working day, but it made all the difference in my mood. Try a family pajama night or take a yoga break. Just an afternoon or a few minutes of fun can diffuse anger’s sharp effects.
My biggest challenge at home is finding a balance between down time and work, without which I end up feeling angry and resentful. If you are experiencing cancer anger, I hope your home is a haven of comfort and security and I’d love to hear more about how you make that happen.
Survival > Existence,